Hey, It’s Dave Calling

leeannrubsam.com

I’m waiting for the call.  I know it’s going to come any day now.  I can feel it.  I will glance at the Caller ID, and there it will be — Dave Barry.  My heart will pound for a moment before I think, “No.  Can’t be.  Must be a local guy calling about the lawnmower we have for sale.”  But then I will notice it is not our area code, and with trembling pinkies I will reach for the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hi. Is this the Over 50 lady?”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t give out my age to strangers on the phone.  You’ll have to visit my web site to get that kind of private info.  It’s www. — “

“I know, I know.  Been to the web site.  That’s why I’m calling. Listen, my name’s Dave Barry, and I’m a world-famous humor columnist, and — “

“Yeah, I know.  I was kind of hoping it was really you. You’re not calling to buy the lawnmower, then?”

“You got one for sale?  I could use one.  But, hey, that’s not what I called about.  I’ve got a business proposal.  I’m a little busy, running for President and stuff, and I was wondering if I could use some of your material.  You know, you write it and I sign my name to it — for a hefty wad of dough, of course.”

“I don’t know, Dave.  I might want to make several millions on it in my own right.”

“Look, I’d make it worth your while.  See, I’m putting together a new collection about me living year-round in Wisconsin after retirement.”

“It’s going to bomb right from the starting gate, Dave.  It’ll make Big Brown’s run in the Belmont look like a victory romp.  Nobody’s going to believe you are doing that.  Every Wisconsinite who has any money at all winters in your neck of the woods.”

“Well, but, there must be some way to pull it off.  Everybody understands that humor writing isn’t about giving the real facts like an encyclopedia.  I mean, you folks don’t really run around with blocks of Swiss cheese on your heads and a bratwurst in each nostril like you say in your blog.”

“Um, Dave, I can see you really don’t understand Wisconsin culture.  It’s all true.  We really do those things.  I’m not making this up!  Honest.  Let me give you a little lesson in Humor 101.  People have to be able to relate to some reference point in real life, and living in Wisconsin in the winter if you don’t have to is just not going to cut it.  Still, I see you really need some help, so I’m a little bit open.  What’s your offer?”

“How does a five with a dollar sign in front and six zeroes behind sound?”

“I’ll have to think about it.  Give me a day.”

“Great!  I’ll have my man call yours at noon tomorrow.”

At this point my euphoria will start to fizzle, as I glance in the direction of “my man.”  Hubby has been known to market himself online as anything from the company gofer to the consulting vice president, all in order to get a free pen or T-shirt out of unsuspecting salesmen.

“Uh, Dave?  My man is on vacation right now.  Just have your guy call me personally, OK?”

Sure, I know you’re thinking, “Yeah, right. Dave Barry.  Next, she’ll tell us Erma Bombeck’s going to call her, too.”

Oh, I hope not!  That’s what I’d call a l-o-n-g distance call.  Besides, I don’t do anywhere near the same style of writing as she did.

leeannrubsam.com

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