Weird Search Terms #4

When you are over fifty, health issues are a leetle higher up in your conscious level than they were when you were twenty. Apparently, a lot of people are looking for info on how to fix this or that body part as painlessly as possible, and they frequently end up at this blog. I can definitely help you forget your owies temporarily by providing a good laugh, but if you REALLY want to know what to do about your clogged arteries or your gall bladder full of rocks, please see your doctor or at least visit I only practice medicine on my husband and kids, since the highest diploma I own only comes from a two-year technical college.

A lot of people are extremely concerned about bumps growing on their noses or feet. But how about this one? “Pretty people with bumps on their nose.” — Most people with bumps on their noses are realists. They understand only too well that there is nothing pretty about their growths. They either

a.) choose to find their self-esteem in something other than their appearance, or

b.) run to the nearest dermatologist to rectify the unsightly flaw.

But here we have a person who wants to completely lose touch with reality by convincing him- or herself that nose bumps are distinguishing beauty marks. I suspect the searcher got to my blog post because it was the only suggestion Google could come up with for such a bizarre search. All semi-normal people understand that pretty people are pretty because they do NOT have nose bumps. The celebs who develop nose bumps do not sport them for People or Vogue magazines; they have them taken care of by the same plastic surgeon who does their face lifts, liposuctions, and rib removals.

No, there is no way to convince yourself, try as you might, that a brussel sprout-size growth on the end of your nose makes you more attractive — unless, of course, you are Michael Jackson. Michael can convince himself of all sorts of bizarre notions about the end of his nose.

“Milwaukee Mafia families” — What? I write one little blog post about a quirky funeral director, and they think I’m an expert on the Mafia? I was just glad said Mafia didn’t come looking for me after I wrote that one! This search term raised a couple of questions in my mind:

1.) Why does someone want to go searching for the Mafia? Is he looking for employment? I know times are tough, but still ….

2.) Is he looking for his long-lost Aunt Ticily from Sicily? Sometimes people carry this genealogy hobby a tad too far! It’s nice to know whether your relatives were feudal barons or the serfs that tilled the soil, but delving too deeply into The Family sometimes nets more than one bargained for.

“Can you eat toster studal on the Daniel Fast?” — I believe the searcher wants to eat toaster strudel. For the uninitiated, the Old Testament prophet Daniel ate “no pleasant bread” for three weeks while seeking the Lord in prayer, and now 1,289 web sites and twenty-four best-selling Christian authors are trying to make a mint by turning Daniel’s fast into the latest diet fad. Such is life with the Internet these days.

For the “toster studal” inquirer, here’s the answer: It says “no pleasant bread.” If you find toaster strudel pleasant, don’t eat it. If you absolutely loathe toaster strudel, eat a ton of the things.

My most popular blog post ever, by the way, was on the Daniel Fast. Read the original here.

Weird Search Terms

I’m intrigued by the search terms that people use to get to my blogs.  A lot of people don’t just type in search words; they enter whole questions.  Here is a sampling for your entertainment, along with my reactions:

1.)  “Where in the Bible did Daniel fast?”  — He probably did it in the kitchen, in the living room, at the annual convention of the Chaldean Wise Men for Better Working Conditions, and in the bathtub.  Oh.  It says, “in the Bible.”  I think it was in Genesis 1, because they weren’t allowed to eat meat at that point in the Bible yet.  So Daniel ate veggies.  Eat your veggies.  They are good for you.

2.)  “Talking like a Yooper”  — (For those of you who are uninformed, a Yooper is someone from the U.P. — Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  It is a territory of Wisconsin.)  The question raised in my mind was, “Why would anyone want to?”

3.)  “Did Tommy Thompson ever eat Fruit Loops?” — Only when Lee Dreyfuss did not send him any “bee poop” for Christmas.  What kind of a fruit loop asks these things? (This is strictly a  Wisconsin joke, based on our history.  If you’ve lived in Wisconsin thirty years or so, you understand.)

4.)  “Did the Pope visit Door County?” — Of course he did.  Everybody visits Door County, even Santa Claus.  The Pope ate at Al Johnson’s — had the Swedish pancakes with lingonberries (because it was Friday, so the meatballs were off-limits).

5.)  “Undertaker grants a wish” — I’m sorry, but this one really brought a question to my mind: who is “Undertaker”?  For some reason I kept thinking of a pro wrestler, or maybe a champion killer bronc on the rodeo circuit.  But on second thought, it sounds a little like a title of a children’s picture book. 

6.)  “Free socking music” — Do people need background music for fistfights?  Does it enhance the experience?  Come to think of it, there was music in the background on those old Roy Rogers movies while he was duking it out with the bad guys!  Or maybe someone needs soothing music while he folds his laundry and matches his socks.

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