Startling New Cholesterol Findings!

The Masbur Medical Research Foundation has discovered a new miracle food that could revolutionize the treatment of high cholesterol patients. Up until now, doctors have been prescribing a variety of cholesterol-lowering drugs, including the “very safe” (but not so very safe) statin drugs, some of which have now been pulled from the market, due to killing the patients on which they were used.

In the meantime, health gurus have touted various cholesterol-lowering “miracle” foods such as brown rice, lecithin, garlic, raw onions, soy, and oat bran. Lowering fat intake, especially saturated fat intake, has been standard counsel for high cholesterol sufferers.

One of the Masbur scientists, a cholesterol victim himself, had personally tried soy, brown rice, and the eat-until-you-neigh oat bran, all without material success. Not wanting to be isolated from the rest of society, he opted out of garlic and raw onions therapy. He also eschewed any form of fat.

After getting thoroughly tired of eating everything tasteless, and upon hearing a nutritionist remark that the body needs a certain amount of saturated fat to keep it from going into cholesterol-producing overdrive, senior scientist Paul Masbur threw out his fat free margarine, began to once again enjoy an occasional gut-busting burger, and quit obsessing about his fat intake. At the same time, he developed an insatiable craving for a daily handful of peanuts.

Much to everyone’s surprise, his cholesterol levels began to drop. Initially, this was only verified by a do-it-yourself, cheap version of the cholesterol test, purchased at a local drugstore. The senior scientist’s wife was extremely skeptical, especially because the senior scientist had great difficulty poking his own finger and squeezing the blood out onto the provided disposable testing paper. (His aim wasn’t good, and the blood got smeared in unpredictable places, but never quite seemed to end up where it was supposed to.) These questionable tests took place periodically for about a year and a half. More conclusive evidence was provided when the senior scientist had his cholesterol blood work done in a real lab at a real doctor’s office. Those tests demonstrated that Dr. Masbur’s cholesterol had indeed dropped forty points since the official test two years before. Previously, his cholesterol had been rising steadily. After adopting the peanut diet his “good” cholesterol was up, and the “bad” was down. The consulting M.D. wanted to know Dr. Masbur’s secret.

“Peanuts,” he smugly replied. “I eat a handful of peanuts every day. And I don’t watch my fat intake very closely anymore, either.”

The family physician, although suspicious of the lowly peanut therapy, and inwardly hoping that if word got out, his stock in the pharmaceuticals companies would not suddenly plummet, agreed that Dr. Masbur should continue his new dietary regimen.

More scientific evidence was now required, so Dr. Masbur attempted to expand the research. He suggested that the assistant scientist, Dr. Peter Masbur, also a victim of high cholesterol, undertake to be part of the peanut experiment. The assistant scientist had never bothered with oat bran, and did not go near fat free margarine. He also indulged frequently in his wife’s butter-laden desserts. 

The assistant scientist hypothesized that if one handful of peanuts proved effective, two or three handfuls might be even better. After swallowing the more concentrated daily dosage of goobers for a mere six months, to the shock of the entire medical community, Dr. Peter’s cholesterol dropped fifty points.

The experiment is now being expanded to people outside the Masbur Foundation. A not-so-controlled study is currently underway at the Greenbriar Post Office. (Postal employees are known to be prone to high cholesterol problems, no doubt due to stressful relations with management.) These postal workers have received new hope after the glowing testimonials presented to them by the Masburs. Since most of them like peanuts, and most are working enough overtime to afford them, trying the new miracle food should not be in the slightest bit painful. The Masbur Medical Research Foundation hopes to publish the results of their research within a year. 

Our cautious suggestion to the masses in the meantime: eat your peanuts everyday.  It can’t hurt.

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