I know, I know. Nobody is freaking out about swine flu anymore. But, the experts are direly predicting a comeback of this hysteria-producing disease, come autumn. Consequently, just in case they are right, we should all protect ourselves with a little common-sense preparation.
I’m not sure if everyone knows this, but the surefire antidote to swine flu is bratwurst. Yes, bratwurst – not the turkey or the beef kind, mind you. It’s gotta be the pork variety. It’s a very simple concept: fight swine with swine.
Before you roll your eyeballs right out of their sockets, think about it. What did they do to stop the polio epidemic? They injected everybody with a weakened polio virus. How did they devastate measles, mumps, and chickenpox? Same story.
I’m not suggesting that we inject bratwurst into anyone’s veins. Swine flu is a most virulent disease, and a weakened dose of pork will not do the job. The bratwurst must be applied full strength via the digestive system, in large doses. Besides, immunologists are just beginning to realize that the more fun a vaccine is to take, the more effective it is. Modern science is wonderful, isn’t it?
This is why in Wisconsin, where we are progressive and savvy about most things, every man, woman, and child will be porking up on bratwurst all summer long. Cumulative dosage is key to jump-starting the immune system. Here in the Badger State, we are anticipating eating an average of 39.35 pounds of brats per capita between now and Labor Day.
You may ask, “Why, if bratwurst is such a wonderful cure, was Wisconsin the #2 state in the nation for swine flu cases in the spring of 2009?” Obviously, if you have to ask such a question you do not understand the culture and climate. The swine flu hit before it was warm enough to grill brats outside, and we were caught off-guard. Besides, you didn’t hear of anybody in Wisconsin being seriously harmed by swine flu, did you? This is because, as soon as the cases started appearing in hordes at our hospitals, the medical personnel knew exactly what to do. They started stuffing Nesco roaster-loads of brats down the patients’ gullets. They power-dosed the victims by force-feeding them quarts of sauerkraut (loaded with vitamin C for immune system boost). It worked, and they all went home feeling euphoric about the whole recovery experience. Nary a complaint was heard about the deplorable state of hospital cuisine.
As everyone knows, not all drug brands are alike. Sometimes those generic versions do not work as well. This is why it is important for Americans to understand that not all brats will work equally as effectively in protecting against swine flu. Johnsonville brats are still at the top of the heap, and their priceyness is well worth it, if you want to stay healthy. Klements are a somewhat distant second in efficacy, while the low-income or exceptionally frugal-of-heart individuals will have to muddle along the best they can with the greatly inferior store brands.
A tragic epidemic among people of lower income could be averted if President Obama would merely issue an executive order allowing the federal government to seize ownership of the Johnsonville Sausage Company. He could then declare free brats for everyone to make sure all is fair and square. As a by-product, many jobs would be created, as the company would have to go through enormous expansion to meet the demands for all that free food. The new jobs would mean more income for the IRS to abscond with, thereby creating a bottomless barrel for pork projects dear to the hearts of politicians. More pork in the barrel would mean more swine flu antidote, and the cycle would spiral ever upward into an increasingly healthy economy.
So there you have it, folks. Bratwurst – the answer to all the nation’s problems, from swine flu to the economy. You heard it here first, and I don’t mind at all if you share it with Wall Street and the American Medical Association.