Weird Search Terms #3

It’s time for another edition of Weird Search Terms, where we look at how people get to this blog and ask the all-important question, “Why would you want to know?”  Here are some of the latest goodies I have collected:

“Why should we eat cheese curds?” — There are several very important reasons.

1.)  They are good for the economy.  Without the consumption of cheese curds, Wisconsin dairy farmers and cheese factories would be in grave danger of going belly-up, which would in turn cause soaring unemployment for the entire state, since the job market rests entirely upon the three-legged stool of dairy, paper mills, and cranberries.  Chop off that dairy leg, and the employment platform goes BOOM!  Eating cheese curds also keeps the national economy healthy.  The makers of Ex-Lax and Milk of Magnesia are counting on us.

2.)  If you are a Wisconsinite, abstaining from cheese curds is unpatriotic.  Our mamas ingrain loyalty to the state in us from the moment we can toddle, and eating the right cuisine is part of that.

3.)  Fresh cheese curds keep your teeth clean.  As you chew them, they rub all over your gums and molars, removing plaque and stimulating healthy gum tissue.  It’s true!  Ask your dentist.

4.)  They taste better than escargot, caviar, grits, and jambalaya.

“When it rains, I have maggots in my window sill.” I’m sorry — truly.  I would freak out if I had maggots in my window sill.  I would call Orkin or Roto-Rooter or even the Highway Patrol — ANYBODY who might be willing to help me!  I have had ants who thought they were termites and mice as big as beavers in my home, but never once have I had maggots in the window sills.  If it is any comfort, at least they are not in your corn flakes.

Let’s think creatively for a moment.  Get your man to buy a sturdy chainsaw at Home Depot.  Have him cut the window sill completely out.  (Make sure you keep a disposable bath towel under the area of deconstruction to catch the filthy little wigglies if any fall out during the process.)  Have your guy carefully carry the window sill and bath towel outside so that none escape onto your linoleum or into your carpet.  We don’t want any of them to go undiscovered and then migrate to your corn flakes.  Once he has removed the major portion of the problem to the great outdoors, minutely inspect what is left of the window and surrounding wall with a magnifying glass.  If any maggots remain, unfortunately, you may have to cut out the entire wall.  Call Home Depot or the Highway Patrol to find out for sure.  Do NOT call me!

“Sample Rummage Sale Signs” — Hobby Lobby might have them in a variety of tie-dye styles.  Your local newspaper may give you a couple for free if you buy the $35.00 classified ad to announce your sale.  If you make your own, be distinctive — even creative — in your spelling.  It will make your sale stand out from all the others.  Rumge, rumage, ramuge, and rummidge sail are all acceptable variant spellings for the great summer event here in Wisconsin.  Whatever you do, don’t call it a “yard” or “garage” sale, or you will have umpteen wiseacres who think they are original asking how much you want for the sod or the shed.

“50 or over benching contest” — Believe it or not, we have a yearly benching competition here in Appleton.  Only, you have to be 65 or older to qualify.  The recreation department collects the benches from the parks all over town and deposits them on the main drag.  From there, the fun begins.  We have contests in various categories, such as

1.)  Musical benches — Gets a little rough sometimes.  Some of the geezers are pretty aggressive and are not above pushing, shoving, etc. to get their bench.  Caning another contestant will produce immediate disqualification.

2.)  Guinness Book of World Records event — Who can sit the longest without wiggling a muscle?  It’s a stiff competition.  Serious contenders practice year-round to get their stamina up for this one.  We’ve had some sit from July, when the official contest opens, right down until the frost hits in the end of September.

3.)  Bench-dancing — The judges seem to prefer tap dancing or jitter bugging, although square dance teams have been known to place in the finals.  Dressing up like Sammy Davis Jr. or wearing a Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire mask will not enhance your chances of winning.   If you tip your bench over and can’t dance it back up again, expect disqualification. 

4.)  The grand finale is the bench race.  Teams from all over the Fox River Valley spend the winter months streamlining their stripped-down, customized boogie-benches.  Watch your baby strollers, moms!  If you leave them unattended for a moment at the mall, you may lose the wheels.  These guys don’t care how they get the parts.  Winning is everything!   One guy drives, one rides shotgun, and four harness up to gallop down the stretch.  Beats the bed race in Seymour’s Hamburger Fest any day of the week!

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